Historical Stats & Info
"It is the most important victory of my career." -- Head Coach Dick Voris, after the
Hoos’ 15-12 victory over Duke on September 27, 1958.  Voris finished his UVA career
with a record of 1-29.
"We've stopped recruiting young men who want to come here to be students first and
athletes second." -- Former Virginia head coach Sonny Randle, describing his strategy
for turning around UVA's football program
"As the score mounted, to 20-0 and finally 26-0, his movements slowed. With two
minutes to go and South Carolina threatening once more, Voris stood behind several
rows of substitutes, staring at his shoes." -- Sports Illustrated, describing Coach Voris’
stellar coaching performance during the Hoos’ 26-0 loss to South Carolina in 1960
"Really, Texas wasn't as good as I thought they'd be." -- Ted Manly, Virginia's
freshman quarterback, after Texas had spanked the Hoos 68-0
35% Cyborg?
In 2007, Chris Long had what was arguably one of the greatest individual seasons
in the history of UVA football.  How dominant was he? At various times, the media
and coaches likened him to a ferocious animal ("Chris Long is a bear. Period." –
Matt Winkeljohn, Atlanta Journal Constitution), an alien robot ("A guy would have
to be one of the Transformers to be better than Chris.'' – Al Groh), a cyborg
assassin ("I think he's really the Terminator wearing No. 91." – Jerry Radcliffe,
Charlottesville Daily Progress), and a caveman ("He's a pure neanderthal." – Rick
"Doc" Walker).

The outpouring of man-love for Long also led to the following email discussion
among my college buddies.  I go back and forth on which part is my favorite.
Suffice it to say that Dan Klecko, werewolves, mini-Ditkas, and complex
mathematical calculations are all prominently involved. (Note: Read from the
bottom up.)
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Date: Wed, 26 Sep 2007 03:18:12 -0700 (PDT)
From: Rob
Subject: Re: I'm Challenging You Too

This might be the most ridiculous thread in Zone history.  I was laughing so
hard at this particular e-mail that tears were streaming down my face.  My
wife came to check what was wrong with me, so I read her a couple of these
messages.  Apparently, something gets lost in translation.  Jesse - she also
wanted me to reassure you that you are definitely 100% loser, regardless of
your man vs. cyborg ratio.

someone who thinks that that "want to" is not a machine-capable emotion
and therefore Chris Long is 0% cyborg as he has more "want to" than just
about any other player I've heard Doctor Walker diagnose

Date: Tue, 25 Sep 2007 05:18:12 -0700 (PDT)
From: Jesse
Subject: Re: I'm Challenging You Too

1.  The density of titanium is 4.5 g /cm3.  So, 100 lbs (45.5 kg) of titanium is
about 10,000 cm3 (10 liters), give or take.  Assuming Chris Long's organic
density is about 1 g/cm3 (roughly equivalent to that of water), then his volume
at 185lbs or 84kg (the non-machine portion of his being) is 84L or 84,000
cm3.  Thus, total Chris Long Cyborg volume is 94,000 cm3, of which roughly
10.6% is machine.  So, 35% by weight is 10.6% by volume (assuming
titanium--which is relatively light-- as the metal of choice).  35% by volume
would either require the machine portion to be made out of tin foil or some
other extremely light metal that doesn't exist, or he would be tiny.  Which
brings up the question, who would win in a fight:  12" mini-Chris Long cyborg
or 12" mini-Ditka?  Also, note that the volume measurements are estimates.  
I would need to submerge Chris Long in a tub of water and measure his
displacement to get an accurate number.

2.  Clearly when the Terminator's organic skin is burned off, he is no longer a
cyborg.  He is merely a robot at that point.  A sentient robot yes, but still
merely a robot.

3.  I went back and calculated how big Chris Long would be if he weighed
285lbs (129.5kg) and was 35% titanium by volume.  Avg density would be
2.575 g/cm3 (.35*4.5 + .65*1).  At 129.5kg, that would be a total volume of
50.3L.  Thats about 53.5% of his current volume.  Assuming equal weight
distribution, he would be 40.6 inches or 3' 4.6" tall.

4.  Wolf/beast ratio is determined by DNA analysis.

5.  We're 100% losers.

From: Steve
Sent: Monday, September 24, 2007 7:28:09 PM
Subject: Re: I'm Challenging You Too

So if we've accurately determined Doc Walker's linguistic interpretation of the
term "cyborg", my next question is how the 35% was determined.  Is that body
weight, or some other measure?  If so, that's almost exactly 100lbs of
machinery for a 285lb guy.  I assume we're talking some sort of titanium alloy
and not a basic metal here, which to me sounds like a shitload of alloy.  Has
his entire muscular structure been replaced, or are some of his organ
functions cyborg?  I would imagine a cyborg liver would kick ass while you're
in college.  Even so, 100lb of cyborg seems like a lot, especially considering
the other 185lbs has to be mostly water weight.  Perhaps his balls are made
of pure steel, although Doc didn't mention that.  

From: Todd
Sent: Monday, September 24, 2007 5:43:29 PM
Subject: Re: I'm Challenging You Too

OK, this begs a question.  I assume that we can all agree that the
"terminator" character as played by Ahnold was a cyborg.  My question is that
once the biological material was burned off of him and all that was left was
the endo-skeleton, was it still a "cyborg"?

The point that I'm getting towards is that Doc Walker probably meant that
Chris Long is 35% of "whatever you call the machine part of a cyborg".  I'm
sure that Doc was using the term cyborg to not confuse the uneducated
masses, but for those of us who are fluent in the subject of the convergence
of hybrid biological-machine lifeforms, it does appear that he misspoke.

----- Original Message ----
From: Jesse
Sent: Monday, September 24, 2007 3:19:06 PM
Subject: Re: I'm Challenging You Too

First of all, a cyborg is a cybernetic organism that is part biological and part
machine.  The percentages are oftentimes variable.  Therefore, claiming he
is 35% cyborg is meaningless.  He is 100% cyborg with a composition of
50% beast and 15% werewolf.  The remaining 35% is presumably machine,
although its not specified.  Still, the percentages do not work out.  I suspect
he is 45% beast, 15% werewolf and 40% machine (3 out of 4 grandparents
are beast and the other one was werewolf with 40% of his body being
manufactured and surgically implanted).  

Clearly Doc Walker misspoke.  I won't even get into the question of whether
or not a werewolf is a subspecies of beast and if the two can mate and
produce offspring.  Also, I can't say which of his parents was the half-beast,
half-werewolf creature without seeing a picture of his mother.  But I do
suspect that Howie is 100% pure-bred beast.

----- Original Message ----
From: Todd
Sent: Monday, September 24, 2007 2:42:36 PM
Subject: Re: I'm Challenging You Too

>>Question:  How does one become 35% cyborg?  I mean, if 3 of your 8
great-grandparents are cyborgs, then you'd be 37.5% cyborg, which I can
understand.  But 35% would imply that you have cyborg genes that come
from several generations back, and I just don't think that's possible.

Answer: Are you seriously suggesting that cyborgs breed?  Cyborgs are
manufactured.  As for the 15% werewolf, I feel better deferring to Doc
Walker's experience with genetics over your arcane theories.

----- Original Message ----
From: Steve
Sent: Monday, September 24, 2007 12:58:47 PM
Subject: Re: I'm Challenging You Too

Question:  How does one become 35% cyborg?  I mean, if 3 of your 8
great-grandparents are cyborgs, then you'd be 37.5% cyborg, which I can
understand.  But 35% would imply that you have cyborg genes that come
from several generations back, and I just don't think that's possible.

Jesse:  Dan Klecko was a 6'1", 260lb nose tackle from Temple.  Chris Long
is 6'4", 285 and is roughly one third cyborg, apparently.  He won't be around in
the 5th round, I assure you.

----- Original Message ----
From: Todd
Sent: Monday, September 24, 2007 12:38:51 PM
Subject: Re: I'm Challenging You Too

5th round?  His name is being batted around as a potential top 15 pick.  If he
keeps up his present pace on sacks, batted passes, and tackles, it isn't a
stretch to say he could be a first team AA.

For those of you that don't read the Sabre, there is recurring joke about Doc
Walker, which refers to Long as "50% beast, 35% cyborg, 15% werewolf".  
For some reason, when I imagine Doc Walker saying it (not a stretch), it
cracks me up everytime.

I have low standards for humor, as evidenced by my friendships with you

----- Original Message ----
From: Jesse
Sent: Monday, September 24, 2007 11:59:11 AM
Subject: Re: I'm Challenging You Too

So, at this point, is Chris Long considered a bonafide NFL prospect?  I
always thought he was one of these overachieving Dan Klecko-types whose
energy and work ethic were well suited for the college game (especially the
watered-down ACC-level college game) but was limited talent-wise and
couldn't play on the next level.  Maybe I'm wrong but I never thought he had the
athleticism of Patrick Kearney or Aaron Kampman.  

Note:  clearly all comparisons must be made to white defensive lineman.  
That said, I'm sure some team (i.e. the Raiders) will draft him in the 5th round
just because he's Howie Long's son.

----- Original Message ----
From: Steve
Sent: Monday, September 24, 2007 9:49:02 AM
Subject: Re: I'm Challenging You Too


Discounting injury?  On July 11th, I made the following (and now rather
astute) statement, when laying out the options for what to do after the
Wyoming game:

a. Hang at bars in Laramie congratulating the locals on beating the Hoos and
tearing Chris Long's ACL, and then crash at closest available hotel (which
may or may not be in Laramie)

Its only a matter of time.  By the way, last week someone on the Sabre asked
who was better, Canty or Long.  My initial thought was Canty by a nose.  After
watching the GT game live, I am not so sure now.  Canty was great, but Long
seems like he is in on every freaking play.  I think I'd actually take Long.  Its
kind of funny that, as much criticism that the 3-4 gets, the 2 best defensive
players of the Groh era might be a couple of 285lb DEs.

By the way, parking in the STAB parking lot is officially money.  You can
tailgate all you want, its only 5 minutes further away than some VAF lots, it
costs $15 a game, and one of Chris Long's brothers just might be working
the gate.

----- Original Message ----
From: Todd
Sent: Monday, September 24, 2007 9:27:02 AM
Subject: Re: I'm Challenging You Too

Fteve - You are clearly discounting the horrible, season-changing injury that
is likely to occur in the next couple of weeks.  Of course, it may have already
happened with Eugene Monroe hobbling around on a bad knee (injured
during the end of game kneel downs), but anyone who doesn't see Chris
Long blowing out his knee or tearing a bicep is simply ignoring history (Chris
Canty, Anthony Poindexter, Kevin Ogletree, Deyon Williams, Ahmad Brooks,
Kai Parham, Willie Davis, Antoine Womack, and Shawn Moore).

someone who can't believe that our 3 best available WRs are a RS-freshman
walk-on, a true freshman, and a senior who played defense until this year

----- Original Message ----
From: Steve
Sent: Monday, September 24, 2007 8:55:26 AM
Subject: RE: I'm Challenging You Too

I missed most of the 2nd quarter as my kids were melting down at the time,
but I did remember thinking that Sewell was playing well enough that there
really wasn't a reason to bring Lalich in.  The pass to Santi on the first drive of
the game was the best pass I've ever seen Sewell throw.  He managed the
game pretty well, except the fumbled option play, and didn't make the
catastropic INT (the pick at the goal line was a really bad pass by Lalich right
to the safety).  He had some bad throws, but he also had some drops --
Dontrelle Inman is the new Deyon Williams, for sure.  The pass to Jobe was
right on the money (and was a great play call, by the way, given the way our
2nd half "offense" had been sputtering).  

The long and short of it is, barring an upset in one of the next three
non-conference games, or a 5-game losing streak to end the season, we
should now be able to go 7-5 and get drubbed by South Florida in the Tire
Bowl.  But if this team even had UNC's WRs, we'd have a legit shot at 9-3.

----- Original Message ----
From: Steve
Sent: Monday, September 24, 2007 8:25:26 AM
Subject: RE: I'm Challenging You Too   

So, are we actually decent?  Assuming Sewell continues to develop a bit
every week, will he be any good?  And although we got some points off
turnovers, it looks like we threw an interception at the goal line, so we should
have had another score.

Is it possible that we will go 4-4 for the rest of the season, win a bowl game,
and have Groh's contract extended?

Also, I was checking the GT message boards after the game, and was
amused when one guy posted that Groh was an idiot for pulling Sewell out
when he was hot, and we lost momentum.  He then commented that the
game was shaping up to be a classic battle of the worst coaches in the ACC
to see who could give the game away.

----- Original Message ----
From: Steve
Sent: Monday, September 24, 2007 8:07 AM
Subject: RE: I'm Challenging You Too

Was the Terp game as delicious as it was described on the Sabre?  Up 24-3,
about to go up 31-3 late in the 3rd quarter, only to throw a 100-yard pick-six
and eventually lose in OT?  Has anyone put that in a time capsule so future
generations can enjoy it as well?

Also, the GT game about as enjoyable a game as I've been to in a few years
-- probably since Clemson in '04.  I wasn't at FSU '05, but even though that
was a huge win, we had already partially pissed away that season.  This
season now has a similar feel to '02, although with a little less optimism
given the lack of offensive talent.  We've set ourselves up to make some
noise in the conference, but this team's ceiling still appears to be about
Continental Tire Bowl-level at best.  But after the first 3 games, I'll take it.

someone who will note that, despite nearly shutting us out for three quarters,
I was generally unimpressed by GT, given the expectation that they could
compete for the division we're in
UVA Football - Random Musings