| Historical Stats & Info |
| "It is the most important victory of my career." -- Head Coach Dick Voris, after the Hoos’ 15-12 victory over Duke on September 27, 1958. Voris finished his UVA career with a record of 1-29. |
| "We've stopped recruiting young men who want to come here to be students first and athletes second." -- Former Virginia head coach Sonny Randle, describing his strategy for turning around UVA's football program |
| "As the score mounted, to 20-0 and finally 26-0, his movements slowed. With two minutes to go and South Carolina threatening once more, Voris stood behind several rows of substitutes, staring at his shoes." -- Sports Illustrated, describing Coach Voris’ stellar coaching performance during the Hoos’ 26-0 loss to South Carolina in 1960 |
| "Really, Texas wasn't as good as I thought they'd be." -- Ted Manly, Virginia's freshman quarterback, after Texas had spanked the Hoos 68-0 |
| 35% Cyborg? |
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| In 2007, Chris Long had what was arguably one of the greatest individual seasons in the history of UVA football. How dominant was he? At various times, the media and coaches likened him to a ferocious animal ("Chris Long is a bear. Period." – Matt Winkeljohn, Atlanta Journal Constitution), an alien robot ("A guy would have to be one of the Transformers to be better than Chris.'' – Al Groh), a cyborg assassin ("I think he's really the Terminator wearing No. 91." – Jerry Radcliffe, Charlottesville Daily Progress), and a caveman ("He's a pure neanderthal." – Rick "Doc" Walker). The outpouring of man-love for Long also led to the following email discussion among my college buddies. I go back and forth on which part is my favorite. Suffice it to say that Dan Klecko, werewolves, mini-Ditkas, and complex mathematical calculations are all prominently involved. (Note: Read from the bottom up.) |
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| Date: Wed, 26 Sep 2007 03:18:12 -0700 (PDT) From: Rob Subject: Re: I'm Challenging You Too This might be the most ridiculous thread in Zone history. I was laughing so hard at this particular e-mail that tears were streaming down my face. My wife came to check what was wrong with me, so I read her a couple of these messages. Apparently, something gets lost in translation. Jesse - she also wanted me to reassure you that you are definitely 100% loser, regardless of your man vs. cyborg ratio. someone who thinks that that "want to" is not a machine-capable emotion and therefore Chris Long is 0% cyborg as he has more "want to" than just about any other player I've heard Doctor Walker diagnose ------------------------------------------------------------------ Date: Tue, 25 Sep 2007 05:18:12 -0700 (PDT) From: Jesse Subject: Re: I'm Challenging You Too 1. The density of titanium is 4.5 g /cm3. So, 100 lbs (45.5 kg) of titanium is about 10,000 cm3 (10 liters), give or take. Assuming Chris Long's organic density is about 1 g/cm3 (roughly equivalent to that of water), then his volume at 185lbs or 84kg (the non-machine portion of his being) is 84L or 84,000 cm3. Thus, total Chris Long Cyborg volume is 94,000 cm3, of which roughly 10.6% is machine. So, 35% by weight is 10.6% by volume (assuming titanium--which is relatively light-- as the metal of choice). 35% by volume would either require the machine portion to be made out of tin foil or some other extremely light metal that doesn't exist, or he would be tiny. Which brings up the question, who would win in a fight: 12" mini-Chris Long cyborg or 12" mini-Ditka? Also, note that the volume measurements are estimates. I would need to submerge Chris Long in a tub of water and measure his displacement to get an accurate number. 2. Clearly when the Terminator's organic skin is burned off, he is no longer a cyborg. He is merely a robot at that point. A sentient robot yes, but still merely a robot. 3. I went back and calculated how big Chris Long would be if he weighed 285lbs (129.5kg) and was 35% titanium by volume. Avg density would be 2.575 g/cm3 (.35*4.5 + .65*1). At 129.5kg, that would be a total volume of 50.3L. Thats about 53.5% of his current volume. Assuming equal weight distribution, he would be 40.6 inches or 3' 4.6" tall. 4. Wolf/beast ratio is determined by DNA analysis. 5. We're 100% losers. ---------------------------------------------------- From: Steve Sent: Monday, September 24, 2007 7:28:09 PM Subject: Re: I'm Challenging You Too So if we've accurately determined Doc Walker's linguistic interpretation of the term "cyborg", my next question is how the 35% was determined. Is that body weight, or some other measure? If so, that's almost exactly 100lbs of machinery for a 285lb guy. I assume we're talking some sort of titanium alloy and not a basic metal here, which to me sounds like a shitload of alloy. Has his entire muscular structure been replaced, or are some of his organ functions cyborg? I would imagine a cyborg liver would kick ass while you're in college. Even so, 100lb of cyborg seems like a lot, especially considering the other 185lbs has to be mostly water weight. Perhaps his balls are made of pure steel, although Doc didn't mention that. ---------------------------------------------------- From: Todd Sent: Monday, September 24, 2007 5:43:29 PM Subject: Re: I'm Challenging You Too OK, this begs a question. I assume that we can all agree that the "terminator" character as played by Ahnold was a cyborg. My question is that once the biological material was burned off of him and all that was left was the endo-skeleton, was it still a "cyborg"? The point that I'm getting towards is that Doc Walker probably meant that Chris Long is 35% of "whatever you call the machine part of a cyborg". I'm sure that Doc was using the term cyborg to not confuse the uneducated masses, but for those of us who are fluent in the subject of the convergence of hybrid biological-machine lifeforms, it does appear that he misspoke. ----- Original Message ---- From: Jesse Sent: Monday, September 24, 2007 3:19:06 PM Subject: Re: I'm Challenging You Too First of all, a cyborg is a cybernetic organism that is part biological and part machine. The percentages are oftentimes variable. Therefore, claiming he is 35% cyborg is meaningless. He is 100% cyborg with a composition of 50% beast and 15% werewolf. The remaining 35% is presumably machine, although its not specified. Still, the percentages do not work out. I suspect he is 45% beast, 15% werewolf and 40% machine (3 out of 4 grandparents are beast and the other one was werewolf with 40% of his body being manufactured and surgically implanted). Clearly Doc Walker misspoke. I won't even get into the question of whether or not a werewolf is a subspecies of beast and if the two can mate and produce offspring. Also, I can't say which of his parents was the half-beast, half-werewolf creature without seeing a picture of his mother. But I do suspect that Howie is 100% pure-bred beast. ----- Original Message ---- From: Todd Sent: Monday, September 24, 2007 2:42:36 PM Subject: Re: I'm Challenging You Too >>Question: How does one become 35% cyborg? I mean, if 3 of your 8 great-grandparents are cyborgs, then you'd be 37.5% cyborg, which I can understand. But 35% would imply that you have cyborg genes that come from several generations back, and I just don't think that's possible. Answer: Are you seriously suggesting that cyborgs breed? Cyborgs are manufactured. As for the 15% werewolf, I feel better deferring to Doc Walker's experience with genetics over your arcane theories. ----- Original Message ---- From: Steve Sent: Monday, September 24, 2007 12:58:47 PM Subject: Re: I'm Challenging You Too Question: How does one become 35% cyborg? I mean, if 3 of your 8 great-grandparents are cyborgs, then you'd be 37.5% cyborg, which I can understand. But 35% would imply that you have cyborg genes that come from several generations back, and I just don't think that's possible. Jesse: Dan Klecko was a 6'1", 260lb nose tackle from Temple. Chris Long is 6'4", 285 and is roughly one third cyborg, apparently. He won't be around in the 5th round, I assure you. ----- Original Message ---- From: Todd Sent: Monday, September 24, 2007 12:38:51 PM Subject: Re: I'm Challenging You Too 5th round? His name is being batted around as a potential top 15 pick. If he keeps up his present pace on sacks, batted passes, and tackles, it isn't a stretch to say he could be a first team AA. For those of you that don't read the Sabre, there is recurring joke about Doc Walker, which refers to Long as "50% beast, 35% cyborg, 15% werewolf". For some reason, when I imagine Doc Walker saying it (not a stretch), it cracks me up everytime. I have low standards for humor, as evidenced by my friendships with you tools. ----- Original Message ---- From: Jesse Sent: Monday, September 24, 2007 11:59:11 AM Subject: Re: I'm Challenging You Too So, at this point, is Chris Long considered a bonafide NFL prospect? I always thought he was one of these overachieving Dan Klecko-types whose energy and work ethic were well suited for the college game (especially the watered-down ACC-level college game) but was limited talent-wise and couldn't play on the next level. Maybe I'm wrong but I never thought he had the athleticism of Patrick Kearney or Aaron Kampman. Note: clearly all comparisons must be made to white defensive lineman. That said, I'm sure some team (i.e. the Raiders) will draft him in the 5th round just because he's Howie Long's son. ----- Original Message ---- From: Steve Sent: Monday, September 24, 2007 9:49:02 AM Subject: Re: I'm Challenging You Too Todd, Discounting injury? On July 11th, I made the following (and now rather astute) statement, when laying out the options for what to do after the Wyoming game: a. Hang at bars in Laramie congratulating the locals on beating the Hoos and tearing Chris Long's ACL, and then crash at closest available hotel (which may or may not be in Laramie) Its only a matter of time. By the way, last week someone on the Sabre asked who was better, Canty or Long. My initial thought was Canty by a nose. After watching the GT game live, I am not so sure now. Canty was great, but Long seems like he is in on every freaking play. I think I'd actually take Long. Its kind of funny that, as much criticism that the 3-4 gets, the 2 best defensive players of the Groh era might be a couple of 285lb DEs. By the way, parking in the STAB parking lot is officially money. You can tailgate all you want, its only 5 minutes further away than some VAF lots, it costs $15 a game, and one of Chris Long's brothers just might be working the gate. ----- Original Message ---- From: Todd Sent: Monday, September 24, 2007 9:27:02 AM Subject: Re: I'm Challenging You Too Fteve - You are clearly discounting the horrible, season-changing injury that is likely to occur in the next couple of weeks. Of course, it may have already happened with Eugene Monroe hobbling around on a bad knee (injured during the end of game kneel downs), but anyone who doesn't see Chris Long blowing out his knee or tearing a bicep is simply ignoring history (Chris Canty, Anthony Poindexter, Kevin Ogletree, Deyon Williams, Ahmad Brooks, Kai Parham, Willie Davis, Antoine Womack, and Shawn Moore). someone who can't believe that our 3 best available WRs are a RS-freshman walk-on, a true freshman, and a senior who played defense until this year ----- Original Message ---- From: Steve Sent: Monday, September 24, 2007 8:55:26 AM Subject: RE: I'm Challenging You Too I missed most of the 2nd quarter as my kids were melting down at the time, but I did remember thinking that Sewell was playing well enough that there really wasn't a reason to bring Lalich in. The pass to Santi on the first drive of the game was the best pass I've ever seen Sewell throw. He managed the game pretty well, except the fumbled option play, and didn't make the catastropic INT (the pick at the goal line was a really bad pass by Lalich right to the safety). He had some bad throws, but he also had some drops -- Dontrelle Inman is the new Deyon Williams, for sure. The pass to Jobe was right on the money (and was a great play call, by the way, given the way our 2nd half "offense" had been sputtering). The long and short of it is, barring an upset in one of the next three non-conference games, or a 5-game losing streak to end the season, we should now be able to go 7-5 and get drubbed by South Florida in the Tire Bowl. But if this team even had UNC's WRs, we'd have a legit shot at 9-3. ----- Original Message ---- From: Steve Sent: Monday, September 24, 2007 8:25:26 AM Subject: RE: I'm Challenging You Too So, are we actually decent? Assuming Sewell continues to develop a bit every week, will he be any good? And although we got some points off turnovers, it looks like we threw an interception at the goal line, so we should have had another score. Is it possible that we will go 4-4 for the rest of the season, win a bowl game, and have Groh's contract extended? Also, I was checking the GT message boards after the game, and was amused when one guy posted that Groh was an idiot for pulling Sewell out when he was hot, and we lost momentum. He then commented that the game was shaping up to be a classic battle of the worst coaches in the ACC to see who could give the game away. ----- Original Message ---- From: Steve Sent: Monday, September 24, 2007 8:07 AM Subject: RE: I'm Challenging You Too Was the Terp game as delicious as it was described on the Sabre? Up 24-3, about to go up 31-3 late in the 3rd quarter, only to throw a 100-yard pick-six and eventually lose in OT? Has anyone put that in a time capsule so future generations can enjoy it as well? Also, the GT game about as enjoyable a game as I've been to in a few years -- probably since Clemson in '04. I wasn't at FSU '05, but even though that was a huge win, we had already partially pissed away that season. This season now has a similar feel to '02, although with a little less optimism given the lack of offensive talent. We've set ourselves up to make some noise in the conference, but this team's ceiling still appears to be about Continental Tire Bowl-level at best. But after the first 3 games, I'll take it. someone who will note that, despite nearly shutting us out for three quarters, I was generally unimpressed by GT, given the expectation that they could compete for the division we're in |
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